the driveway.

Welp, it's almost 2011 kids...is that crazy to anyone else? I feel like when I was younger a year was suchhh a long time. When we would finally get to Christmas break again, my heart would be so dang happy. I remember the first day of Christmas break in first grade I think, and I was running around the living room (in circles) in some black courdoroy overalls...they were lovely. And the living room was lovely of course because it was finally Christmas! But anyway, I digress. Now a year seems to fly by, which can be both good and bad.

I just went for a run around downtown seguin and when I got home I opened the door to go inside, but then i closed it. without going in. I decided I needed some driveway time...

My driveway is super great. Well, I don't know if others, especially people outside of my immediate family, have the same appreciation for it, but to me, it is completely wonderful.

It's great in the daytime, but it's perfect at night. It doesn't mind if you're sweaty or crying. You can bring the couches out there and watch movies on the garage with your friends, or have your birthday party or wash your car. There's always basketball, if you're feeling ambitious...and if you bring the ball because we don't have one anymore...You can read boring papers for Mr. Simpsons class out there or play in the back of Drew's really old tiny truck, and even have scooter or bike races (again, if you have the scooter and/or bike)! My personal favorites are to play the guitar out there or just sit on the slanty part, or the bed of Jordans truck if there's too many scary bugs out there, and talk it up and stare at the stars.

I've seriously had some of the best talks in my whole entire life out there on the driveway: in person or on the phone, good or bad, easy or hard, I pretty much want to be on that driveway. My friend panda and I used to drive to sonic and drive around seguin for awhile, til we realized there was nothing to do, so then we would come back to my house and hang out on the driveway. I remember one night in particular, we just sat on the back of her car and talked about stuff going on in our lives. I think that's one of the first nights I realized that there was something beautiful about being totally genuine. Then I remember praying out there for a really long time. But it wasn't a bad long time, it was really good.
I've also talked on the phone to Brennan about coming to the good old 29020, which wasn't really a long one, just an exciting one. One time Little Sarah and Charles and I ate some delicious ice cream and chatted it up. I don't remember why we were outside, but it was pretty much a great idea. Also, one time Little Sarah and I sat in her car in my driveway (ok, maybe it was on the street, but it was close to it) and played a ridiculous theoretical what-if game...haha. And of course, some pretty awesome times with the bros and sis out there too, alot at night (which is the perfect time if you will recall)so that's fun.

Anyway, as I layed on the driveway today after my run, I couldn't help but think how much I loved it right there, exactly where I was. I thought about all the good times, I looked at the sky, and I hung out with God, and it was awesome. When life gets complicated, my driveway is the best. Please feel free to use it anytime...just ask. (:

Show me the Kingdom.

So I was reading my Bible this morning and I came across something pretty cool that I've probly read millions...ok, maybe not a million, but quite a few times...Matthew 4.

It starts off talking about when Jesus was tempted by the devil while He was fasting in the desert. (first of all, fasting is hard enough, but He did it in the desert...that's pretty intense!)Anyway, Satan finds him and he's like "hey, if you're hungry, why don't you just turn some rocks into bread, huh?" and Jesus is like "Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord." So boom Satan! (Deut. 8:3) Then Satan tells Him "why don't you fall down off of this really tall temple and get some angels to save you?" Jesus says Yeah right! "Do not test the Lord your God." (Deut. 6:16). So Satan tries again and tells Jesus he'll give him abunch of really awesome kingdoms (which is weird to me because it's not like Satan owned them and had the right to give them away) if Jesus will bow down to him, but Jesus resisted again and told the devil what was up. "Fear the Lord your God, serve Him only..." (Deut. 6:13)

So, that's maybe kind of a long recap, but here's what gets me: I never think about things being hard for Jesus. I always remember the part about how He is 100% God, but I think I forget too often that He was also 100% human...And if he was human, he went through things that we go through, like for example, being tempted. Is that crazy to anyone else, because it is to me. I think every other time I've read that story I've believed that Jesus was tempted but that it was super easy for Him to resist the temptations...Soo, maybe I'm wrong, but I've been thinking about it alot and it doesn't really make sense to me that someone could be tempted but not have some part of them that was like "gahhh, i really want that...so bad. At least for right now..."

Tempt= 1.to entice or allure to do something often regarded as unwise, wrong, or immoral.
2. to attract, appeal strongly to, or invite.

Anyway, yeah, I just think it's kinda great that our King Jesus was tempted in the desert by Satan Mc-Crappypants but Jesus said no way jose! And as followers of Jesus, we can say no way jose too because we have Jesus who is living INSIDE us! It sounds super hard to resist stuff that is bad for us yet sounds so appealing, but the point is that Jesus Christ already died for our sins on the cross and if we just let him have control of all our crap, our lives will go so much better. So yeahhh boyeee, let's do it!

Oh but hey, just as a sidenote: I'm definitely just learning what it means to give my crap to Jesus and let him reign in my life. I'm learning that when I do take the time to dig deep in His word that is is so sweet and satisfying and revealing and just worth it!

"Help me see the light, I'm reaching through the fight Yahweh. Show me the Kingdom. Arms open wide, death swallowed up by life. Yahweh, show me the kingdom." -B.D.

No More Sleepin Under Stars of Apathy...

It's well past midnight
And I'm awake with questions that won't
Wait for daylight
Separating fact from my imaginary fiction
On this shelf of my conviction
I need to find a place
Where You and I come face to face

Thomas needed
Proof that You had really risen
Undefeated
When he placed his fingers
Where the nails once broke Your skin
Did his faith finally begin?
I've lied if I've denied
The common ground I've shared with him

And I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day
A different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

Nicodemus
Could not understand how You could
Truly free us
He struggled with the image
Of a grown man born again
We might have been good friends
Cuz sometimes I still question, too
How easily we come to You

No more campin' on the porch of indecision
No more sleepin' under stars of apathy
And it might be easier to dream
But dreamin's not for me

Get stoked...I am!

So, school is officially over for the semester, like grades posted and everything. I'm not gona lie, I was pretty nervous to see my blaw grade. I figured I could pull off a D, but I really needed a C...also on tracs, it said my bio grade was a B, but I was in disbelief. When you tend to make 68's on your tests (or quite possible 30 points lower) you don't usually end up with a B. Buttttt...I guess the final saved me; I made a 99 (: And in Blaw, I made a C!! Yeah so, needless to say, I'm pretty stoked about my grades and how this semester finished.

Alot of other great stuff other than grades happened this semester too:
-I made some super legit friends and deepened other friendships from last year. I'm super blessed by God to have these people in my life. These peeps don't mind that i'm kinda awkward sometimes (ok, alot of the time) and crazy and shy except for not really. They even want me to play the guitar for them, so that's pretty fun (cept for when there's boys present who are straight up beasts on the guitar, that makes my heart beat super fast).
-B-hoot...aka Brooke Hooten and Amanda Jane Foss from the bsm. I don't know how God's brain works (obviously) but I am sure glad He thought it would be a good idea to lead them to Txstate while I am at Txstate. These kids are pretty much amazing and I love getting to hang out with them and just get to be real with them. I love that it was like this from the very beginning and that more than anything else, these girls/ladies/"women"/whatever you want to call them love Jesus more than anything else and seek His will for their lives. Woodangyeah! You guys rock my socks off.
-My small group girls...as disheartening as it was sometimes to only have 2 girls when everyone else's group was pretty much literally overflowing (okk, not literally), God really used our time together and I'm so thankful now for a small group where we could be open and honest, even if it took awhile to get there. It's also definitely at least tried to teach me about responsibility...stupid talents! (: But yeah, last semester was a blast and I'm looking forward to what God will do next semester, and how He will use my inadequacies for His glory. Yeeahh boyeee!
-Conversations with people about who God is...I feel like there is so much that I've learned but still sooo much that I just have no stinkin idea about. I'm just glad that God is bigger than me and in control even when I can't even fathom that. He is provider, healer, sanctifier, shepherd, righteousness, the God that's always been, God most high, Lord, All powerful and Almighty, Peace, and so much more. But most importantly to me, He is my Satisfier. That's a tough one for me becuase I want the things of this world so much sometimes, but God is faithful and He leads me to truth: No one on earth can fill my emptiness and give me what I need. Only He can.
For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things. Ps. 107:9

And now it's almost Christmas, so I'm also stoked about that because I'm pretty dang glad God chose to send Jesus to live a perfect life on earth and be our Redeemer. Also I like hanging out with my family...and I'm not gona lie, I do enjoy the presents (:

Psalm 62:5-8

Ps. 62:5-8
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge."

Dang. Can I just say that it has been awhile since my soul found the rest I needed in God? I've been shaken. God hasn't been my fortress, people have.
And that pretty much always sucks. Because no matter how great and amazing people can be, they still let you down. This might be because I build them up way too high in the first place and placed crazy expectations on them (uhh, yeah, I don't like it when people do that to me...). Also, maybe I realize that people aren't GOd, so they can't always be right and definitely can't always make me happy. That's where I get in the way and try to do the impossible of measuring up to the quite possibly not even real standards I feel like people want me to live up to...

How silly.

I'm not even sure about the whole part about my salvation and my honor depending on God. I mean sure, I get the salvation part. Without God, there wouldn't even be salvation (Thanks God!) But my honor depends on God...what does that even mean?

Welp, honor is honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions. OR a source of credit or distinction. OR high respect, as far as worth, merit, or rank. OR high public esteem; fame; glory;, etc...
Depend means to rely on; place trust in or to rely for support, maintenance, help, etc. Or to put trust in, rely on, be sure of. To be influenced or determined by... (thanks dictionary.com)

So yeah, think about that stuff, and if you were lost, maybe it makes more sense now. It does to me.
My salvations and my source of credit, any kind of worth, merit, fame, or glory I get, is determined alone by God.

So. The solution to my problems? Trust in God at ALL TIMES, and pour my heart out to Him, because HE is my refuge! Of course, sometimes it's hard to trust in God, who you can't see and maybe have trouble hearing over your own voice and/or thoughts...ya don't have to tell me. But He tells us to, he wants us to. He even tells us to pour out our hearts to Him! Yeah, like all the stuff you try to keep secret and hide because it's bad or it just sucks or it's scary or maybe stupid...just telllllll Him.

He's our refuge. He's the one that takes care of all our crap and picks us up and keeps us safe. He fixes us when we're broken and rebuilds our foundation when we've been shaken. He gives us a reason to hope.
So, hey God, I'm gona find rest for my crazy soul in You alone.
Maybe next time Africa.

if you ain't got no money take your broke, broke home.

I'm really cold. Like, reeeealllyyyy cold. You wouldn't believe all the clothes I'm wearing right now...Yep, i'm gona tell you: socks, leggings, pajama pants, a cami and longsleeve tee, a sweater, and my texas state hoodie. And I'm not gona lie, I'm pretty dang excited to get under my covers very soon! Basically winter is not my season.

The only good thing about winter is having a break from school, but it's not even as good as summer...

Also my phone is pretty much up a creek without a paddle. AKA broken...It's kind of really super great and yet quite annoying at the same time. It's nice to not worry about texts for awhile, funny or helpful (or apparently just really stupid)as they may be. It's kind of lovely in a way not being able to communicate with anyone. at least not by phone. But at the same time, i'm totally bummed because I really wanted to text Jason a line from Almost Famous but now i can't. :/ Also, I have some pretty wonderful friends in other states and who knows if they have texted or called me and are just thinking i'm a straight up jerk because i don't answer them. WHO KNOWS?

Anyway, this blog is basically pointless because I was gona write wayyy more than this but everytime I tried (which was like 3 or 4) it was weird and my thoughts are crazy unorganized and stupid. So for now, just know that I'm getting warmer (alittle) and that I don't hate you, I just can't talk to you via phone. Also please remember that summer is better than winter.

The end.